Even after Two years…
Still can’t say the “D” word.
I can spell it D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
There is an old country western song by Tammy Wynette titled D.I.V.O.R.C.E. In the song, she spells it because she doesn’t want her little boy to understand what is happening. This was a popular song when I was a little girl. For some reason, it had been popping into my head lately. So I listened to it and found a deep connection and sadness to it.
Never thought I’d be the person… you know…to d.i.v.o.r.c.e.
Not that I had a perfect marriage. There were many ups and downs. It took a lot of work and compromises. I thought we worked through things together and wanted the same in our relationship. It wasn’t until after I asked him to leave, did I realize how little he compromised and gave to our marriage. Do I take responsibility for my part? Sure. As they say, it takes two.
It was the person I saw during the separation. A person I didn’t recognize. Who wanted to fight with lawyers. While I waited 7 months to get a lawyer. He got one the first day after we discussed it.
I wanted to talk it through. Keep it friendly. Civil. He pointed fingers and cried to people that I was taking everything. So over 30 years of marriage came to that.
He could no longer keep the Mr. Nice guy masks on and when my rose-colored glasses eventually came off. I realized that this was actually who he was all along.
So why do I struggle to say the “d” word? I should be screaming it from mountain tops. Feel relieved that I escaped a partnership of half-truths with minimal support and passive-aggressive behavior.
Is it the heartache, grief, and loss of what was? The lack of closure? Not being able to truly defend myself around the poison crap that was puked to people about me.
I want to understand why he wore the masks.
I want to tell him off! Just seems like it would help.
Then I can finally say that word and get on with my life.
But deep down I know the anger and hurt are mine to deal with. The heartache can’t be healed because the calendar says so. I still tear up when someone asks if I am married or what has happened. And I have to choke up d.i.v.o.r.c.e.
Yes, even after two years.
And as Tammy Wynette says in the song it has been pure H. E. double L on me.