Years later, Still feel married.
Why?
It has been 2 years since the divorce, with a 1 ½ year separation before.
Why do I still feel married?
Was it how things were left? Never dreamed I would need to fight my husband of over 30 years with the help of a lawyer.
Am I hanging on to the person I thought he was?
As the saying goes, in the end, people always show you who they really are.
I might miss the part where I thought he was my confidant, friend, and teammate. I want to tell him all that has happened and have that person to talk to. But he did the hurting, and now it feels like two different people were in our marriage.
Not like I want him back. That ship has sailed.
I want to feel freer and lighter. But the heaviness hangs on.
The hurt.
The sadness.
The grief.
All that was lost and all the love I gave.
Not sure if anything was real.
So much tricky energy.
So much guising.
I believed we talked through misunderstandings and worked on the relationship.
I look back, I see it all so clearly.
It was a cleverly calculated deception, and finding the truth was hard.
So why would I still want to hug him and say I love you?
Weird?
Or maybe I would smack him?
Not as weird?
Wanted to work through this feeling in a blog writing.
Had a few tears.
Not sure I got any answers.
Someday?