Thought you’d be happier
Many said after I quit.
My teaching career of over 20 years.
The stress was unbearable and felt like I was spinning my wheels.
People were shocked. Mostly because a person doesn’t just up and quit her job.
Especially after years of hard work, dedication, and with a master’s degree.
So I would get these comments often…
“Bet you are happy?”
“Thought you’d be happier.”
I used to be the poster child for happiness.
I just thought if you were happy it would change things.
It would make others’ lives easier. No worries.
I was the person who was always smiling. No matter what.
Even had a high school teacher tell my parents he had never met such a happy kid.
I was proud of that. Especially since it made my parents “happy” and they weren’t easily pleased. And if I wasn’t happy or smiling. They sure knew how to make me quickly turn it around.
With a demanding “What’s wrong with you?” This was not out of love. It was out of “get your shit” together. You have nothing to be unhappy about!
So I found it easier to “get over” whatever was bothering me or decided it wasn’t that bad.
I didn’t want to displease or upset them. They tended to not be very nice people and that is saying it mildly.
That created a pattern for my entire life. To just put on a smile and be happy.
It seemed to make things easier.
Until it did not.
After a while it became harder and harder.
I couldn’t fake it anymore.
My mind, body, and soul were depleted.
Exhausted.
I tried everything to be happy again.
But couldn’t get that spark back.
Even after I quit my teaching career.
The truth was I had put on this happy fake face for so long it became what was expected.
I could tell it made people uncomfortable that I wasn’t happier or grinning ear to ear.
I started to realize that feeling happy had been dependent on taking on others’ crap, trying to please them or cheer them up.
The exhaustion and lack of happiness came from this expectation to appear to be positive and have no real problems.
Once I could no longer hold up the facade.
It sent a lot of people running!
Because people think you should be happy and if you are not it worries them.
Not because they care.
It has them questioning themselves and dealing with their own shit.
They wanted to be able to come to me and be the same ole smiley Rhonda.
However they found that the happy fake face facade was gone.
So no, I was not happier…
Thanks for asking.
Now the unlearning around happiness has me wondering if I ever have been truly happy?